Dee Dee Yoker
by IHateGoths123
Summary: Dee Dee is on his way to collect his giro from the Job Centre, before getting sidetracked by a bus sign that says 'Yoker'.


154\. DEE DEE - YOKER

154A EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. DAY

DEE DEE IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET

TOWARDS THE JOB CENTRE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Fuckin... heading to the brew. Heading to get

my giro. And I pass this couple of buses at the

side of the road.

DEE DEE LOOKS AT A COUPLE OF DOUBLE

DECKER BUSES AT HIS SIDE OF THE ROAD.

FOLK ARE GETTING OFF THE FRONT BUS AND

GETTING ON THE ONE BEHIND. OLD FOLK ARE

NATTERING TO EACH OTHER UNHAPPILY.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Everybody's piling off the front one and into

the one behind. Auld folk like that "This is

ridiculous. Never used to be like this with the

corporation buses". I was like that, I see,

we've got ourselves a breakdown.

DEE DEE LOOKS AT THE FRONT OF THE BACK

BUS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

I checks to see where they're all heading.

THE DISPLAY SAYS "YOKER".

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Yoker. And I just pissed myself laughing.

DEE DEE EXHALES A LONG SILENT LAUGH.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Cos Yoker's one of these places I only know

from the front of a bus. Never been there,

don't know what it's like, it's just this pure

fabled land that sounds like a pure mad egg

yolk.

DEE DEE INHALES A LOUD LAUGH.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 1.

(CONTINUED)

DEE DEE (V.O.)

So I was watching everybody getting on, trying

to show their tickets to the driver, but he

wasn't having it.

THE DRIVER IS WAVING EVERYONE ON

WITHOUT LOOKING.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Just waving them on like that "Aye, I know

where yous came from, I can see the bus, what

d'yous think I am? Daft?"

A THOUGHT CROSSES DEE DEE'S FACE. HE

LOOKS TO THE JOB CENTRE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

And a wee voice in my head said "Dee Dee. I

know you've got to get your giro, but the

brew's always gonnae be there".

DEE DEE LOOKS TO THE BUS.

DEE DEE (V.O)

"But this, on the other hand, is a once in a

lifetime opportunity. Go for it". So I just

went like that...

DEE DEE SPEAKS.

DEE DEE (CONT'D)

Fuck it.

DEE DEE JOINS THE QUEUE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

And I joins the queue. Second's I do it, the

driver starts checking people's tickets.

THE DRIVER GLANCES AT PEOPLE'S TICKETS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

I was like that "Oh here, forget it".

DEE DEE GOES TO LEAVE THE QUEUE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

But I just got pure caught up in the

slipstream.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 2.

154A CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

ANOTHER QUEUER STANDS IN THE WAY AND

BOXES DEE DEE IN.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Belting it towards the moment of truth at

100mph like a lamb to the slaughter. Heart

pounding. Pulse racing. I was like that, this

is like Midnight Express, I could get the jail

here.

DEE DEE IS STANDING BEFORE THE DRIVER.

HE BEGINS A CLUMSY EXPLANATION.

DEE DEE

Right, what it is is...

THE DRIVER WAVES HIM ON.

DEE DEE (CONT'D)

Cool.

DEE DEE WALK TOWARDS THE STAIRS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

I did it.

DEE DEE HAS A STUMBLE UP THE STAIRS.

154B INT. UPSTAIRS ON THE YOKER BUS. DAY

DEE DEE IS SITTING ON THE HALF BUSY

BUS, SITTING ON A SEAT NEAR THE FRONT,

LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AT THE JOB

CENTRE GOING BY. DEE DEE SHAKES HIS

HEAD AND SMILES AT THE INSANITY AND

EXCITEMENT.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

So there I was, bird's eye view, whizzing by

the brew like that, "Ta ta giro, maybe some

other day, ih? Cos I'm on the bus... to Yoker",

couldn't believe what I was hearing in my head,

man, seriously. This was actually happening.

DEE DEE SUDDENLY BECOMES RESERVED.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

But then I thought, hold on. Don't get too

excited. There could be somebody looking at the

back of your nut right now thinking "Here.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 3.

154A CONTINUED: (2)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Who's he? He's not from Yoker. He's got no

business being on this bus. Get his head

kicked, man".

DEE DEE SLOWLY TURNS AROUND TO SEE IF

ANYONE'S LOOKING.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Turned around to see if anybody was looking.

NOBODY IS. DEE DEE IS DELIGHTED.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Nobody. I got away with it. Just pure got away

with the lot of it.

LATER.

DEE DEE IS LEANING OVER TO TALK TO

MARY.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

So I loosened up and started chatting with

folk, to get a bit of local knowledge before I

got there.

DEE DEE

So this bus is for Yoker, aye?

MARY

Aye.

DEE DEE

I've just moved there, is it good?

MARY

Aye, it's a lovely place, I've lived there all

my life, Yoker born and bred.

DEE DEE

Mind boggling.

MARY IS CONFUSED.

DEE DEE (CONT'D)

That you've never once in your life wondered

what Yoker's like.

MARY IS VERY CONFUSED.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 4.

154B CONTINUED:

DEE DEE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

LATER.

DEE DEE IS STILL TALKING TO A TIRED

LOOKING MARY.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Half an hour later, I start seeing the signs.

DEE DEE SUDDENLY BECOMES ANIMATED AND

SPOTS SOME SIGNS WHIZZING BY.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Yoker Newsagents. Yoker Post Office. Yoker

everything.

DEE DEE GIVES AN EXCITED LOOK TO AN

UNEXITED MARY.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

They even had a barber that rhymed with Yoker.

"Hair by Les... Porter".

A SIGN SHOWS THAT.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

What are the chances of that?

DEE DEE SPEAKS TO MARY.

DEE DEE

Here, what's the bets his name was Smith or

something but he changed it to fit in.

MARY

What?

154C EXT. TERMINUS. DAY

THE BUS SUDDENLY STOPS WITH A TSSSH.

DEE DEE LOOKS OUT AND SEES THE BUS

STOP. EVERYONE STARTS LEAVING.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Gets to the terminus. And everybody starts

piling off.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 5.

154D INT. DOWNSTAIRS OF YOKER BUS. DAY

DEE DEE IS THE LAST ONE ON THE BUS AND

GOES TO SPEAK TO THE DRIVER.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

I hits the driver with my charms.

DEE DEE TALKS TO THE DRIVER.

DEE DEE

Driver, when d'you leave?

DRIVER

5 minutes.

DEE DEE

I conked out and missed my stop, any chance you

could gie's a ticket so I can nip off for a

fag?

THE DRIVER PRESSES THE BUTTON AND A

TICKET IS PRINTED.

DEE DEE (CONT'D)

Cheers.

DEE DEE GOES TO STEP OUT THE BUS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

And I puts my first step onto Yoker soil.

DEE DEE STANDS OUTSIDE THE BUS AND

LOOKS AROUND SLOWLY, MESMERISED. THE

PLACE IS A BIT MISERABLE LOOKING.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

I was in Yoker. I thought this day would never

come. Is it really this easy? Is it really this

easy to get the things you want in life? You

just need to hold out for it?

A FLASH OF CONCERN CROSSES DEE DEE'S

FACE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Suddenly had the urge to just go "Here, I'm not

from Yoker, I've got no business being here!"

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 6.

(CONTINUED)

DEE DEE ALMOST TRIES TO SHIELD HIS

THOUGHTS WITH HIS HAND.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

I thought "Calm it, Dee Dee", that's no

laughing matter, they'd tear you to shreds.

Now, you've got 5 minutes, where d'you want to

go, what d'you want to do... in Yoker. I knew

exactly what.

DEE DEE LOOKS TO THE "HAIR BY LES

PORTER" SIGN.

. YOKER STREET. DAY

DEE DEE IS WALKING TOWARDS THE

HAIRDRESSER'S, LOOKING AROUND

CAUTIOUSLY.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

I had to. I had to find out. I couldn't leave

without finding out what this was all about.

DEE DEE ARRIVES OUTSIDE LES PORTER'S.

HE LOOKS BACK TO THE BUS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Bus was a million miles away. I thought "Dee

Dee, you truly are in the outer reaches here,

man. Middle of nowhere.

DEE DEE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

And in I went into the great unknown with a

fucking ding.

THE DOOR ENTRY BELL DINGS.

154F INT. HAIR BY LES PORTER. DAY

LES PORTER, A MIDDLE AGED MAN, IS

CUTTING A MAN'S HAIR. STEPHANIE,

ANOTHER HAIRDRESSER, IS CUTTING A

WOMAN'S HAIR. THEY LOOK UP DEE DEE,

SLIGHTLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE SHAMBLES

THAT HAS JUST WALKED IN.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 7.

154D CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DEE DEE (V.O.)

To ask the one big question.

DEE DEE SEES LES.

DEE DEE

Les Porter?

LES PORTER

Yes?

DEE DEE

Has your name always rhymed with Yoker? Or did

it used to be Smith... or something?

A TENSE SILENCE FOLLOWS THIS CONFUSING

QUESTION.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

And then I thought... Dee Dee, you've just

blown your cover. Big time. Fuck you playing

at, man, go, go!

DEE DEE SPRINTS OUT OF THE

HAIRDRESSER'S.

154G EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY

DEE DEE BELTS IT DOWN THE STREET

TOWARDS THE BUS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Got out of there before they started chucking

their scissors at me like ninja stars. Before

big Les scalped me and stuck my head on the

wall.

DEE DEE LOOKS AT THE BUS IN THE

DISTANCE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Ten seconds to get to that bus, man, that's

your lifeline. What does it start doing? Starts

moving. I was like that "Naw, man". Felt like

giving up.

DEE DEE STOPS RUNNING AND STARTS WAVING

HIS ARMS AROUND AND SHOUTING.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 8.

154F CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DEE DEE

I'm not from Yoker, I'm not from Yoker. I've

got no business being here! I'm not from Yoker!

A SWARM OF PEOPLE APPEAR FROM NOWHERE

LIKE ZOMBIES AND ATTACK DEE DEE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Let them finish me off like a pack of mad

wolves.

REALITY

DEE DEE IS STILL RUNNING AND RUNS IN

FRONT OF THE BUS SLIGHTLY TO SLOW IT

DOWN.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

But I just kept on running for my life like I

had Leatherface on my tail.

DEE DEE REACHES THE BUS DOOR AND BANGS

ON IT, BUT THE DOORS DON'T OPEN. DEE

DEE LOOKS AROUND PANICKED.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Gets to the bus but he wouldn't let me in. I

was like that, set up, whole thing's a set up.

154H EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. EARLIER THAT DAY

DEE DEE HAS A FLASHBACK TO THE PEOPLE

GETTING OFF THE BROKEN BUS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Them that were on that front bus, actors, the

lot of them actors.

154I EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY

THE BUS DOOR OPENS AND DEE DEE RUNS ON.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Door opens and I bolts upstairs, right under

the seat. Didn't dare poke my head up for the

next half hour in case they were going by in a

minibus, gasping to feast on me like a shower

of zombie pirates.

Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 9.

154G CONTINUED:

154J 30 MINUTES LATER

DEE DEE RUNS DOWN THE BUS STAIRS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Picked a moment.

154K EXT. STREET. DAY

DEE DEE IS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE BUS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Up the road.

154L INT. DEE DEE'S CLOSE. DAY

DEE DEE IS RUNNING UP HIS CLOSE STEPS.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Up the stairs.

154M INT. DEE DEE'S FLAT. DAY

DEE DEE IS INSIDE HIS FLAT, SLAMMING

THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

In the house. Lock, lock, lock.

DEE DEE LOCKS TWO LOCKS AND JAMS A

CHAIR UNDER THE DOOR HANDLE. DEE DEE

SLIDES DOWN HIS HALL WALL, LOOKING

KNACKERED.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

Scary, man. Scary.

PAUSE.

DEE DEE (V.O.)

But the best day of my life.


End file.
